Get all 8 The Offtopics releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Polash From The Garden, The Offtopics Live At Studio 5, The Offtopics - "Back on the Zine" EP, A Man Needs Cooling, Funky Grandma, Red Eye Jane, Sunrise in Richmond, and Sunrise in Richmond 7" Vinyl.
1. |
Plans
03:08
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PLANS
Verse 1
Em9 Dm9
Going down the GB talking bullshit in the
Em9 Dm9
corner with the regulars
Em9 Dm9
That’s ok ‘cos that’s the way we’re gonna
Em9 Dm9
Get out all that tension from the week.
Chorus
Cmaj7 Dmaj7
And I’m hearing lots of plans
Fmaj7 Gmaj7
Baby but, uh, no real man’s
Fmaj7
Gonna sit back. Expect some pat on the back
Gmaj7 Bb Am7 – riff into next verse
For an idea without action
Verse 2
Plans in motion
A thought ain’t worth nothing
Unless you do something – for someone
Might be anyone
Might be me – could even be you.
Chorus
Verse 3
Concealed emotion.
Hey old laddie boy
Struggling to do most everything
Nestled up against the edge of coolness
Trying to avoid that nothingness
He’s displaying some signs of dependence
Chorus
Guitar solo over Am7 and conclude with solo over chorus.
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2. |
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A Man Needs Cooling (Girl)
(Slow sexy spoken intro)
Ebmaj7 Bbmaj7 repeat
Hey girl.
It’s time to be honest.
It’s too late for anything else.
The way you’ve walked over to me…
I can believe
That you like what you see.
And it’s not that I feel blase
But I have a very VERY pressing matter to take away.
Hey HEY
Verse section
Ebmaj7 Bbmaj7 F Gm7 Bb
Girl… I’ve been looking at you from across the room
Ebmaj7 Bbmaj7 F Gm7 Bb
From the corner of my eye so I wouldn’t look crude
Ebmaj7 Bbmaj7 F Gm7 Bb
But when you looked at me I got a little bit nervous.
Ebmaj7 Bbmaj7
Girl… When a man likes what he sees his temperature climbs a hundred degrees
F Gm7 Bb Ebmaj7
He needs coolin
Girl… I was breaking out in a sweat I just had to get my throat wet
I needed water to quench the fires you lit in me.
I am burning.
Girl… When you looked away I got me a two gallon jar and I drank it all down.
And I believe it got steamy
Oh So Steamy
Girl…. Now you’re approaching me as I’m turning to flee. There’s a man I have to see about a dog
In the men’s room.
(Pre-chorus)
Ebmaj7
Girl… There’s a question in your eye. What’s up with this guy?
Bbmaj7 (last chord comp x 5)
What is he doing?
Chorus
No chord Eb Bb
I’m trying to be cool while my bladder is full
Bb Eb Bb
I’m jiggling my thighs while meeting your eyes
Bb Eb F
It’s a hop to the left a slide to the right
Ab Bb
Like I’m dancing I’m dancing I’m dancing Alright!
Bridge
Ab Bb
Mmmmm…. This queue ain’t getting no shorter.
Ab Bb
Oooohhh….. Why did I drink so much water?
Ab Bb
Ahhhhhh…. I got to keep it nice.
Ab Bb
Ooooohhh… I got to hold it tight! (or you’ll leave)
Chorus x 2 as outro to end.
I’m trying to be cool
While my bladder is full
I’m jiggling my thighs
While meeting your eyes
It’s a hop to the left
A slide to the right
Like I’m dancing I’m dancing I’m dancing Alright!
I’m trying to be cool
While my bladder is full
I’m jiggling my thighs
While meeting your eyes
It’s a hop to the left
A slide to the right
Like I’m dancing I’m dancing I’m dancing Alright!
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3. |
Red Eye Jane
03:12
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RED EYE JANE - Bb
RIFF
db-f-ab-bb-db bb ab
db-f-ab-bb-bb
Bb
Dan had a girlfriend
Lived up by Lygon
Half Dutch and half Maltese
So damn fine she nearly drove him to his knees.
Bb
Red Eye-oh. He’s got the Eye-oh.
Db Eb Bb
Eye-oh Eye-oh Singin’ Red Red Red Eye-oh.
Now how can I explain?
We gotta give this girl a name.
She liked a toke and a little smoke
So we’ll call her Red Eye Jane.
Red Eye-oh. He’s got the Eye-oh.
Eye-oh Eye-oh Singin’ Red Red Red Eye-oh.
Dan would try to please her,
This six foot tall Malteser
With olive skin, she’s built for sin
Silky thighs he want to get buried in.
Red Eye-oh. He’s got the Eye-oh.
Eye-oh Eye-oh Singin’ Red Red Red Eye-oh.
Red Eye liked to tan
She always called on Dan
To set in motion the rubbing of lotion
He’s such a helpful man
Red Eye-oh. He’s got the Eye-oh.
Eye-oh Eye-oh Singin’ Red Red Red Eye-oh.
BRIDGE
While Jane is getting oiled up
Dan’s blood is getting boiled up
He gets a tent in his stubbies
He’s packing a chubby
Things are getting hot
Got no time to check if the oil
is extra virgin or not
Probably not.
RIFF
He tries to embrace
She flew up past his face
From her Carlton flat she hit the mat
She went splat on the street below
Red Eye-oh. He’s got the Eye-oh.
Eye-oh Eye-oh Singin’ Red Red Red Eye-oh.
Red Red Red Eye-oh.
Red Red Red Eye-oh.
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4. |
Fire in My Flue
05:01
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FIRE IN MY FLUE
Reggae sort of Ross Hannaford feel
Intro:
Single note a c Dm Am G Bbmaj7 Cmaj7 x 2
Verse 1
Dm Am G Bbmaj7 Cmaj7
I didn't know why I'd break down and cry in the middle of conversation.
Dm Am G Bbmaj7 Cmaj7
You wouldn't say its true but now we blue in negotiation.
Dm Am G Bbmaj7 Cmaj7
I didn't want it like this. Is this the kiss of separation?
Dm Am G Bbmaj7 Cmaj7
You want it too, fire in my flue, raging conflagration.
Chorus
F Gm
You'll go down that road
F
I'm on my own.
Gm
And you'll grow
F
I'll stay the same
Gm
And you'll change
F
Don't go away
Gm
It's not so strange
Don't wanna stay the...
Verse 2
Same day after day, the ebb and the sway of visitation.
Don't, or maybe won't give up my own anticipation.
Of blame, it's still the same bitterness of flame for dissipation.
You'll want it too, fire in my flue, raging conflagration.
Chorus F Gm Am Gm Bb C descending bass run.
F Gm
You'll go down that road
F
I'm on my own.
Gm
And you'll grow
F
I'll stay the same
Gm
And you'll change
Am
Don't go away
Gm
It's not so strange.
Am
But the fire it burns
Gm
It warms you through
Am
And it hurts
Bb C c bb a g Dm
As good things do. You'll see the truth of the fire in your flue.
Guitar solo over verse structure
Chorus and end
You'll go down that road
I'm on my own.
And you'll grow
I'll stay the same
And you'll change
Don't go away
It's not so strange.
But the fire it burns
It warms you through
And it hurts
As good things do You'll see the truth of the fire in your flue.
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5. |
Funky Grandma
03:59
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FUNKY GRANDMA
VERSE 1
Bm7 A7 D7 F9 E9
Somebody funked my grandma
Bm7 A7 E9 ( f - e - d - a )
She’s got a platform zimmer frame.
Bm7 A7 D7 F9 E9
Somebody funked my grandma.
Bm7 A7 E9 ( f - e - d - a )
Her boiled fruitcake just ain’t the same.
Bm7 A7 D7 F9 E9
Somebody funked my grandma.
Bm7 A7 E9 ( f - e - d - a )
She’s wearing a raspberry beret.
Bm7 A7 D7 F9 E9
Somebody funked my grandma.
Bm7 A7 E9 ( f - e - d - a )
Might be cocaine in her crème brulee.
CHORUS
D9 a b
Who brought the funk to the party?
D9 E9
Does everybody get a slice?
D9 a b
Who brought the funk to this party?
( f e d f e d a b
Mm-mm! This funk sure is nice!
VERSE 2
Somebody funked the postman
Big lapels on his high vis vest.
Somebody funked the postman.
His moped’s the best.
Somebody funked the sadhu
He dances funk style just for fun.
Somebody funked the sadhu
Even his lingam is on the one. Now listen.
BRIDGE
G F#m Bm D
I don’t need a little dose ‘cos my body makes it inside.
G F#m Bm D
All this funk is welling up. Get ready for the ride.
G F#m Bm D
They couldn’t kill this party even if they tried.
G F#m7 E9
Whoever said it’s bad for you I can tell you that they lied.
INSTRUMENTAL OVER VERSE
VERSE 4
Somebody funked the op-shop
Little old ladies getting down
Somebody funked the op-shop
Funky grandma goes in to town
Somebody funked the op-shop
They got LPs by the JBs
Somebody funked the op-shop
They don’t serve cake – they got rice and peas.
CHORUS
Who brought the funk to the party?
Does everybody get a slice?
Who brought the funk to this party?
The funk gives a kick of spice.
Who brought the funk to the party?
I brought the funk to the party now I’m takin’ it. Goodbye.
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6. |
Sunrise in Richmond
04:43
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SUNRISE IN RICHMOND
Intro: Gm7 C9 x4
Verse 1
Didn’t get back home ‘till 4am in the morning.
Eyes aren’t heavy and no one seems to be yawning.
Pops tells us Frankie thinks he’s a muffin.
A sevlev donut and we all lick out the stuffin.
Chorus
Sunrise in Richmond x 4
Verse 2
230 Swan – the good times are piling.
Love doctor’s new friends – in they’re filing.
Danny stammers ‘cos he’s smiling
Girls are impressed with the wall unit styling
We made it ourselves – and
Chorus
Sunrise in Richmond x 4
Bridge
Ebmaj7 Bbm7 Fm7
Even though there’s heaps and heaps of sugar plum dumplings around
Ebmaj7 Bbm7 Abm7 Gm7
Not a peep from the geek as he finds something’s gonna – beauty’s gunna bring him down.
Solos over chorus repeat to end.
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7. |
Big Booty Woman
04:30
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BIG BOOTY WOMAN
Johnny Guitar Watson style silly funk
(Words and music: Larsen)
Drums on tight high hat for intro.
Spoken:
There’s a lot of pretty ladies here tonight.
And I do like the pretty ladies.
But there’s someone out there
Who has the prerequisite quality
It’s going to send me…
And her…
To heaven.
Tonight!
Riff
E D B
D C A
Chorus
You got that big booty woman
You know you want a man like me
To stroke your ---- heavenly body
Your booty set me free
You got that big booty woman
You know you want a man like me
To stroke your ---- heavenly body
Your booty set me free
Verse 1
A C D
D D D# E
Ever since the age of five
E E F D
Talk of booty made me come alive
D D D# E
By the time of nine or ten
E E F D
Booty was my truest friend
I was held back at school
Too much the booty fool
Obsessed with Booty my whole life
But now I’ve found my booty wife
Chorus
Verse 2
My baby quivers like a soft-boiled egg
Heaven starts just above the leg
She got it on top and down below
Always gets my buttfreak poetry flow
She’s more than just a sweet behind
Yeah, most of all I dig her mind
Floating above that derriere
Her wit sparkles just like Perrier
Chorus 3
To Set me free outro…
Temptation take flight.
Vampire booty crawling from the crypt tonight.
You look super girl in those tights
Are you gunna be my kryptonite – Tonight!
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The Offtopics Melbourne, Australia
From Bourbon Street in New Orleans to Memphis and Jamaica via the bars of Brunswick, The Offtopics deliver infectious songs that will make you tap your feet and bring a smile to your face. Fronted by funk dynamo Polash Larsen, these are some of Melbourne’s most talented musicians working their basses off to show you a good time. ... more
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